TimWoolery.net Documenting the Journey and the Learning Curve

#94 – The Laugh of the Damned

#94 - The Laugh of the Damned

"Check out those rims!"

"…Yeah, they're spinning."

"I know - they're awesome!"

"No they aren't - they're stupid."

And then I have the nerve to ask why I don't get invited to parties.

Anyone who hangs around me longer than 20 consecutive seconds is liable to hear a noisy harangue about what other people consider to be popular. I think this is part of the reason that Nicole hasn't resubscribed to cable - she probably enjoys the peace and quiet. Nonetheless, even though I'm not being visually assaulted on the telly any more, this doesn't mean that I am completely idiot-proof.

Even if I pulled the curtains, hid under the bed and stuffed cotton in my ears while singing the "Battle Hymn of the Republic", there's no guarantee that I'll be able to stay there forever. Eventually, I'll have to venture outside, interact with people and engage in all the activities necessary to a functioning adult in human society. And this is usually when it happens.

What is it with people who go nuts about new chain restaurants or stores? I've seen this happen no less than 5 times in as many years. The new In-and-Out opens, the Krispy Kreme, the Panera, Peet's. Whoever the first chucklehead is to visit, far too many of them come out talking about it like they just converted to a new religion. Maybe they have; Anyone seen the First Church of Texas Roadhouse or the First Evangelical Claim Jumpers, lately? I don't want to do another retread rant on the subject of new strip malls featuring national upper-middle-class chains. The stores themselves don't bother me - what bothers me more (most, even) are the ways in which people get so lathered up over them.

"Oh - Claim Jumpers?? Oh yeah…Claim Jumpers! Man, they are so good."

I'm using Claim Jumpers as an example, partly because one is opening up in town and people are all atwitter. Frankly speaking, if you have to wait 1-2 hours for a table, I don't care how good the food is I'm going somewhere else, but that's beside the point. I guess this is my way of saying "I have no idea why you are getting so excited about this. I feel you are making yourself to look mentally deficient by doing so." Sorry - trying to verbalize my frustration rather than acting out. It's a condition of my probation.

It's more than that - people getting excited about new stores or places to eat. It's also in the way they jump on silly bandwagons. The big trend in owning some Chevy behemoth giving way to entire lines of new cars from Ford / Porsche / Mercedes / Toyota to take advantage of the SUV market. Everyone started selling these big gas-guzzling cars for people like the Seventies never happened. Come on, seriously…you really mean to tell me you couldn't see it coming a mile away when the current Middle East stuff got underway and the gas prices starting taking off like a bottle-rocket up a fourth-graders' nose?

So the bandwagon people, the people with a tricked-out GMC Yukon with 22" rims and a lift-kit. The people who buy the trendy shoes, diaper bags and cellular phones. They ignore the local restaurants that serve great food to stand in line for hours meekly holding a pager; these are the people I'm talking about. They are pumping a dry well. They are living on top of a dying corpse. Somehow, none of that bothers them. Totally committed to the idea of mimicking individuality through consumerism, it's just a way of life.

So living with the knowledge that running after the Sunday paper circulars like it was double-soup Tuesday is just not for you, you're left not with a life uncluttered by nonsense but a life cluttered with the nonsense that comes when people realize that you aren't dancing along with the chorus. It isn't like you get burned at the stake over it - it's just the little things. The way they look at you when you are less than impressed with their GMC 4X4 with the "Cowboy Up" sticker. Or the uber-trendy stuff they bought for themselves or their kid. Shopping for Titus has really opened my eyes to how parents are aggressively marketed items to improve the little drooler's quality of life experience as he fills his diaper with some tarry mess staring at random shapes and sounds on a DVD. You can hear the little voice screaming 'Look at me - I celebrate mediocrity!' and you choke back a sigh.

You choke back a sigh because you realize you've just met another person who doesn't see things the way you do. There's one more person that you can't discuss film with, or movies, or books. They won't be interested in something interesting that you found on the Internet like a Wiki article on how to bail your friends out of jail at 2AM.

You live your life feeling this subtle but very intractable alienation that comes from dancing to something besides the beat that everyone else is grooving to. I'm not a snob (although I'm sure it looks it) about movies, books or TV. It's just that what you're probably looking at is something that I was into about 5-10 years ago and have gotten over and can't bring myself to get back into it, even for nostalgic purposes. The group of kids who were on fire to see Nacho Libre in the theatre on Friday - I don't think I made any friends by declining to attend. But what could I say? "Hi there, I know you think this is funny and awesome but I haven't been able to enjoy a movie like that since I O.D'ed on Zucker and Brooks' films back in the early 90s! I mean, I can't do stupid for stupid's sake movies anymore."

It's painful to me - it's really, physically painful to pay $10 to sit in a theatre and watch something that I know I will not enjoy. This isn't me keeping myself from enjoying an experience through prejudice - this is me knowing what I will or will not like based on the 11,586 movies, TV shows and films I have seen in my lifetime. That's not an actual number, I haven't counted the amount of TV and movies I have watched, but I wouldn't be surprised to hear that it was about right. But since I have seen that much, I actually do something that I don't think many other people do: I care. I care, I pay attention, I like to appreciate what I experience on a deeper level than "Ha, that was funny - what's for dinner?" That's why watching Stacey Keach on Titus do one facial expression will make me laugh harder than the entire movie of Napoleon Dynamite. Someone on Slate (Okay, it was Dana Stevens) summed it up best: "Hess (the director of Napoleon Dynamite and Nacho Libre) spends the majority of this film reminding us that its main character's dreams and aspirations are worthy of amused contempt, then expects us to cheer at the end when those dreams are realized" I read that and thought see? Someone else gets it. But none of those people are sitting in a backyard eating buffalo wings and drinking iced wine while watching the kids do demolition derby with their R/C cars.

I can't celebrate trashy behavior - maybe that's my problem. When you listen to country and hear Gretchen Wilson talk about being a 'Redneck Woman' or have Toby Keith do 'Get Drunk and Be Somebody' - am I the only one that's left at the end of the songs going what is wrong with people? I probably am not - I think most people will take stuff like that with the grains of salt they need and move on. I do also think that people are more likely to celebrate trashy behavior (listened to any random rap song lately?) because it's a visceral experience than something with an intellectual process.

Even if you understand why people are actively avoiding any thought about the big scary stuff happening around them, you're still left with the overwhelming conclusion that dumb begets dumber - idiots beget more idiocy and we're in the ebb tide of human civilization. I don't want to go all anthropological on you but did you ever stop and wonder why the Roman and the Greek empires failed? That maybe enough people stopped worrying about building the nation in favor of gladiator games and homosexuality and the overall growth process began to wane? People keep watching movies and reading books about the end of civilization - I don't think that is an accident. I keep thinking that even on an unconscious level, people know that things are getting steadily worse and they welcome a major world event to sweep out all the detritus that collects in a fat, dumb and happy society.

Think it can't happen? Think again; the Greeks and Romans were building empires, infrastructure, knowledge, culture and history for over a thousand years. Then the Dark Ages happened - several hundred years where a vast majority was held in dominion by a select few. You wouldn't be surprised to see a new Dark Ages occur where people lived short, violent and helpless lives while a vital few exercised total control over them. Maybe we live there now - only we all have credit cards and the opportunity to see people/puppets like Nicole Richie and Paris Hilton parade in front of us for our amusement.

So - laugh it up. Go see crap movies and read stupid books because Oprah said so. Watch shows on TV like "Dr. Phil" or "Supernanny" and consider yourself informed on family maintenance and upkeep. Read magazines to buy your personal electronics, actually hold conversations with people about your graphics card and show absolutely no trace of irony if you should find yourself in a conversation about relevant topical issues without a thing to say. You don't know - you don't want to know. Somewhere, somehow people are paid to have an opinion about those issues and you'll trust them to know what they are doing. Or at least, trust that if something bad should go wrong that you'll be able to hold your hands up and say "Hey, don't blame me - I didn't know."

Deliberate ignorance - deliberate focus of your attention on the things that just don't matter. Do it if you will, do it at your own peril. Just don't look down your nose at me because I find myself too preoccupied learning about what is actually going on to have an articulate opinion about the brew of the day at Peet's. I hate your stupid diaper bag - I hate your stupid foreign car and at the end of the day, I really hate you because although you have no business owning either, you do and this is the reason that people will want to spend more time with you than with me.

Just gotta learn to be content with what you have.

- Tim Woolery, 06/25/2006