TimWoolery.net Documenting the Journey and the Learning Curve

One Year

This week it?ll be the one year anniversary of Tom?s death. For those of you unacquainted with the subject, you can see the 7/8/03 entry for the blog here and the afterward Dose I wrote here. A year of ups and downs has happened since then ? it?s been an opportunity to experience the strange trip that grieving can be. Intellectually, you can rationalize what?s happening to you. Dreams about that person, the sudden feelings of unreality, that you live in a world without this person to stand by you. It?s all very unbalancing. The aftermath of it all, this event coupled with all other events creating a steaming pile of cow dung that you?re going to wallow through without the benefit of some hip boots. It?s almost comical in its cruelty. That?s where I got to really put into practice that bent-but-not-broken, down-but-not-out philosophy.

There were the injustices imposed on us by time and unforeseen occurrence and there were the injustices imposed on us by some very specific axe-grinding fellows who found us their perfect whetstone. Oddly enough, we still had the last laugh although the outcome seemed in doubt at the time. They met their ends, have been found eventually by the Karma Police as expected and overall, Nicole and I were able to hold our heads high to the end. I?m proud of that ? I?m proud of her. Like metal in the fire, we?re stronger now because of the things we?ve faced. We?re in a better position to face those things next time and/or help people who are doing it alone.

So, how do I feel about it all; happy? Sad? More than anything else, I feel a sense of profound regret. Regret that things were stacked against us the way that they were. Regret that many relationships were lost during the churn of the events. Regret that we had to make the decisions we did. Regret that we didn?t know enough and regret that we won?t get to unmake the mistakes we made.

I feel regret that Paula, Tom?s wife, took whatever inheritance was available and left. Not a phone call, not a letter, not a card. She got the money from the sale of the house, whatever other items there were and she moved to Ohio-we haven?t seen her since. What did Nicole get? A photo album, her dad?s high school letters for wrestling and some of his clothes that no one else wanted. It?s all regrettable because no matter which way that things went, someone would have been there to say that it was the wrong way. I?m waking up to the fact that adults mainly face choices that aren?t absolute. It?s like walking on a mountain path, it gives you thousands of ways to fall off, one that stays on and even then, it?s pretty tricky. I guess I don?t hold her any ill will for doing what she felt had to be done. Even then, I hear that the money?s gone now so there?s nothing worth being angry over. She?s over fifty, having to start over again. I don?t begrudge her taking what she thought she needed. The questions will always remain and I?m not sure I would have done different had I been in her place. Maybe?but who really knows? It?s regrettable also because she?s remarried now, to someone else. We of course found this out, not from her but from Nicole?s grandparents and apparently from everyone else in Phoenix not directly related to us. Now that, I can definitely say I would have done different. I guess it underscores the point that we were all never that close in the first place and that Tom was the glue for the family. We?ll have to wait until we see him again to sort it out.

I regret that Adam is so AWOL from all of us. His choice, not ours. I get the feeling that he?s proceeding on a few assumptions that may or may not be true. I?ve said all I?m going to on the subject of Adam and there?s nothing to add. The fact is that there?s times in our lives when his absence is evident and we still miss him. The good part is that there?s a fairly large body of people in Phoenix who consider Nicole and me to be family. It?s wonderful to see them. It?s wonderful to go to a place where everyone knows your name and you can be assured of a hug, a handshake and a cold beer just as fast as you can take ?em. There?s joy in knowing that life is going on and that our family is growing now with a new nephew or neice to get to know. There?s hope in knowing that people are getting better, that new things are being started and that we always have them to lean on and are available to be leaned on.

I still hope and believe that things do get better, eventually. It does take a while and you will go through a fire hotter than you imagined. The scoreboard will show something like 127 ? 8 and you better believe you ain?t on top. You?ll be vilified, you?ll be treated unfairly and you?ll wonder if the whole world is insane. It is ? be assured of that. So, stop trying to rationalize and just keep swinging until you connect.