TimWoolery.net Documenting the Journey and the Learning Curve

#52 – Beating out the competition

Hello and welcome to the Super Happy Special Parent class where you can learn to be a good parent and not a bad one like those crazy ethnic people. Here you?ll learn special tips about endless comparison, supermarket magazines and other ways you can keep the competitive edge when it comes to raising your special son or daughter. Before we begin, let?s introduce Dr. Brainzenfeldt, who will be our resident expert on child-rearing. Yes, he is a doctor, just not of medicine, or child-rearing. In fact, his first name is Doctor and we peeled him off the floor of the Burger King around the corner and told him to put on a shirt in time for this class. Dr. Brainzenfeldt will support everything I say but he?s only going to talk in sound-bites as he?s been thoroughly coached on what to say at every turn.

Why is it important to compare yourself to other parents when raising your child? Why, it?s easy! All parents have exactly the same standards and every child is exactly the same. ?That?s right,? Dr. Brainzenfeldt adds. ?Children are nurtured by stability in their environment. When they can see that other children live differently from them, it invites unfair comparison.? So don?t forget ? comparison is the key to being the best parent ever. How do we find out where we stack up? Websites and magazines, of course! They have magazines for every lifestyle and parenting choice (parents, single parents, gay parents, gay single parents, parents of multi-racial children, gay parents of multi-racial children and the ever popular Allergic Child Weekly-perfume ads not included) so go out and subscribe to the one that fits your lifestyle and choice of living room furniture. Each one is chock full of informational articles that are strategically placed next to telegenic moms and dads advertising those products that you need to have if you?re going to be a Super Happy Special Parent.

So, how do you raise the Most Perfect Child Ever?? One word: activities. That?s right, keep the little boogers busy and don?t ever let them have time to sit down in front of the TV and watch the 456 Disney and Barney videos that you let the little whelps kick and scream over until you bought. Fill their lives with an endless array of activities designed to stimulate their minds and broaden their horizons. Piano lessons, soccer, swimming, karate, math tutors, college prep (don?t wait until later, start in 6th grade!), baseball, play dates and that?s just on the first day! A word about play dates: schedule them. Why shouldn?t children playing with other children be as rigid and predictable as a yahtzee party? And because you can never start the indoctrination too early, please accept this copy of the 7 Habits of Highly Effective Preschoolers. Yes, I know they can?t read it: it?s for you to read to them and provide a gentle, nagging background noise should they ever get the inclination to slack off. ?Never forget that there is no activity that cannot be quantified and quality-controlled to provide the Best Childhood Ever?,? encourages Dr. Brainzenfeldt.

Just like the suburban moms of today, kids thrive on drugs. ?Better living through chemistry,? Dr. Brainzenfeldt mumbles, before sliding off his chair and collapsing in a puddle of drool. Never mind him folks, he?s suffering from the aftereffects of a tequila coma. Ritalin, Zoloft, Xanax and any other anti-hyperactive, anti-depressive drug can help your child become the same drug-fueled and chemically dependent child that you were at that age. You weren?t? Weren?t you diagnosed with ADD? ADHD? Autism? Bulimia? Learning disability? Come, come. You must have been diagnosed with something. And if you weren?t, what?s the matter with you? Don?t you know that we have pills now for everything? No? You were okay? THAT?S A DISORDER, TOO! You?re obviously bipolar?here, take this pill?we?ll get to you later.

Let?s talk a little about your child?s education. How?s their college fund coming? Do you have a good preschool picked out? Never forget that you should never stop fighting for your child. S/he deserves the best teachers, the best tutors, the best preschool and the best posture-corrected backpack to carry all the books that these classes will require. Here, let me read what the good doctor would say if he wasn?t having a seizure in the back of the class: ?Correct,? Brainzenfeldt adds. ?But don?t let your kids know that this is becoming a competition sport for you. Otherwise they begin to feel as though there is too much pressure on them.? Bully the teachers, bribe the tutors and manipulate the stock market if it gets your child the advantages they need. But never let the little urchins know, as you should also be teaching them that you love them no matter what. Even if they get an A-.

Now, what to buy. Yes, this wouldn?t be an All-American class if we weren?t perpetuating that consumer-driven, toy-clogged lifestyle. Buy your children clothes that have been pre-tested to be hypoallergenic, flame-resistant and, hopefully bullet-proof in case another unwashed little beast decides to bring a gun to school. Look at these little Aryan youths in the Sunday newspaper ads modeling the latest in jeans, shoes, shirts and backpacks that have been marked up by at least 250% and guaranteed to only last 6-8 months until Junior outgrows them or steps on an AIDS-infected needle. Who said that! AIDS infected needle? Ignore that. I wouldn?t want you to feel like we?re playing on your fears to keep your attention. Just be aware that AIDS infections are on the rise. So are diabetes, measles, mumps and hysterical pregnancy. Don?t forget the gizmos. Buy them gizmos, especially if they?re overpriced and especially if they?re ?educational?. That?s right! Video games can make learning fun, as in when Sissy kills 4 ninjas and 2 zombies, how many people has she killed? (Answer is, none, no people were harmed in the creation of this game. Video games and television do not encourage violence.) Remember when you were a kid and every one had a plastic and cardboard Trapper Keeper? Well, try cell phones, MP3 players, IPods and sunglasses that are guaranteed to keep the UV rays from entering Little Timmy?s eyeballs and causing him to see a vision of the Virgin of Guadalupe, or whatever it is that UV rays are supposed to do. The cell phones are for emergencies only, but make sure he has one that uses text messaging and has a camera so he can capture all those wacky antics that the kids are doing these days, just like on the commercial on TV. Quick, put a wolverine in your pants and dance around?hysterical!

Okay ? I?m done being sarcastic on the subject of raising children. You ought to be aware that, when it comes to raising kids, there?s no statistical evidence that the perfect preschool, or teacher, or activity combo or mood-altering drug will create the perfect child. I?ve said it before and I?ll say it again: what good is all this competition and energy if the kids start getting high every day and blow off what you?ve so patiently and carefully worked on? How does this bizarre social experiment lead to children who overcome adversity to become well-adjusted members of society? It?s all a crapshoot, whether you control nothing (like those homeless kids in Rio de Janeiro) or you control everything (like that parent who manipulated information at one of the nations? leading investment houses just so his kid would get into the top New York preschool). There are other disturbing trends for parents as well: tummy time, kindergarten prep. Kindergarten prep? All you learn in kindergarten is share, count to 5 and don?t crap your pants. What?s there to prep a kid on? It?s all part of that dark little world developing inside the game of raising children; the number of kids on anti-depressives is rising, folks. That can?t be a coincidence.

We won?t be far away from learning the effects of all the pills parents are pushing down the little throats. Little bruisers are so medicated and then mom and dad remind them, ?Just say no to drugs!? No wonder the message has been getting lost. It?s like we?re back in the 60?s and we just discovered Valium. But then we?ve got Dr. Phil and other behavioral psychologists telling us that physical discipline isn?t such a bad idea, after all. I wish that just for a few seconds the psyche?s would just stop and say, ?Dr. Spock was full of crap and we?re paying the price. Spank your kid.? It won?t happen; it would be fun to see a long-term study devoted to the effects of spanking as opposed to the effects of a heavily medicated child. Timmy?s so doped up, he can?t misbehave. Of course, he can?t do much of anything but there?s peace and quiet in the house and that?s all that really matters.

Now get up, Dr. Brainzenfeldt. You?re overdue at the methadone clinic.

-Tim Woolery, 9/17/03