TimWoolery.net Documenting the Journey and the Learning Curve

#51 -The Blue-Eyed Devils

The problem in this day and age is that we need a new definition for evil. Something that the kids can relate to. In the old days, it was Ho Chi Minh, Hitler, Mussolini and any other foreign leader that we could point to as the source of American ills. But nowadays, the evil is more insidious. It?s within the national borders and it ain?t those people who sneak under the fence in San Ysidro or spammers, either. So, let?s consider the new candidates for evil in this country by looking at their crimes and misdemeanors:

Martha Stewart ? For some reason, a torch-wielding mob has not visited Martha to grant some good old-fashioned vigilante justice. And with good reason ? Martha?s one of those things I point to when I say to people ?sense the irony?. Isn?t it ironic? For fifty years, the American public has been duped into buying every single labor-saving device for which they could save labor on. It started easily enough with automatic dishwashers and vacuum cleaners but the issue escalated until in the eighties, people were buying Salad Shooters because they just couldn?t find anything else to brighten up their Better Homes and Gardens-styled kitchens and bathrooms. That was it! People had saved just about all the labor they could. And then what happened? Rather than congratulating ourselves on all this new time we had and all the good ways we could put it to use, this she-devil appears and tells us, ?No, it?s all better if you do it by hand.? She lives in Jersey for crying out loud. Isn?t there one brick-totin?, mullet-wearin?, Camaro-drivin? male who just spent forty bucks on Martha Stewart-brand kitchen products and needs to vent his frustration? Where is he, I ask you? Yes, I drive a Camaro and I am not above heaving a brick or two. But Jersey?s a little out of my way so I guess I?ll have to keep waiting.

The MTV Kids ? I have to lump these children into one single category because I?m unable to tell the difference between any of them and I don?t see that as a bad thing. From Justin to Kelly-the American Idol kids, to Nick and Jessica, to Christina and Justin, to Britney and?.hey, where?s Britney?s counter-part? Oh, yeah, it was supposed to be Justin but they had some messy breakup that was all over the papers and she finally admitted that she had sex and by the way, please go see my movie because I really, really need someone to like me. There?s others, too but we can?t have the Schindler?s List of pop kids because it?s much easier and fun to list why they suck. To begin with: no talent. And no discernible taste in clothes. And no personality. And no talent. All we need is one A&R man with some integrity to build up a genuinely talent act and blow all these kids right off the roof of the MTV building. Just one. And keep him off of TRL, and Cribs, and Driven just to send a message that MTV and VH1 don?t really have a finger on the pulse of music as it really is. The MTV VMA?s this year featured an open mouth kiss between Madonna and Britney and then Madonna and Christina. Not that it matters too much but didn?t you notice some big differences between Britney and Christina? As in how Britney is developing Thunder Thighs and couldn?t hold the beat of the song next to Christina? It still doesn?t matter. They?re still flesh-plastic and if it weren?t for the battery of producers, song-writers and record-execs boosting them like the MIR space station, they would have flamed out years ago. Johnny Cash didn?t win Best Video next to Justin Timberlake. Justin Timberlake graciously says that Johnny Cash deserved the video award more than he did but he had to mention how he listened to Johnny Cash growing up. This is the same kid who cuddles up to R&B and proclaims regarding James Brown songs ?That?s mah music!? Let?s kidnap Justin and drop him off in Hunters Point, where kids are killing each other over rap music. See if he lasts the afternoon. I find it tragic and harshly typical that a guy like Johnny Cash, who making gold records 10 years before Justin was born to be ignored in favor of someone who just makes the teeny-boppers get twitterpated and buy copies of ?Bop?. Oh well, he?ll always have ?Live From San Quentin? and Justin will always have ?Justified?. We?ll see what?s remember and kept after 10 years.

McDonald?s ? People laughed when McDonald?s was sued for causing obesity and it was held up as yet another example of how sue-happy people are getting. The case was thrown out and people breathed a sigh of relief but what?s really odd is how nobody sues McDonald?s for ruining agribusiness, for killing more people than Jack in the Box with their unsanitary practices and for making billions on the sweat and toil of teenage kids with no marketable skills? I used to work there; worked there for three whole months. I got fired out of McDonald?s and I used to really look down on myself because I thought, ?You got fired out of a trained-monkey job like that, you must really suck.? I don?t think about it too much nowadays, I haven?t been fired from a job since and I look at it as a learning opportunity. They always show young kids as ?future CEO?s? and ?future Air Traffic Controllers? in their commercials. Where?s the future drug dealers, losers and Amway salesmen that come out of that place? I didn?t learn a good work ethic there, I hated every single minute of that job and rightly so. I went to work in a place where I had to hang my brain up the moment I walked in ? I was never meant to spend my time that way. It drove me insane just how little of that place relied on individual thought and how quickly independent thinking was stamped down. There was a whole mindset that was strange to me there. The manager of the place was clearly a fully indoctrinated member of the Hamburger University. His license plate on the Saturn he drove was (I swear to God) GO2MCDS. How can you reason with a person like that? I had to psyche myself every time I walked in there. None of that matters now, those events took place for three months in my life ten years ago. A lot has happened since then and I laugh a little when I think about it. Either way, McDonald?s ? for those reasons and more, go read ?Fast Food Nation? for a more definitive reason ? deserves to be on this list.

Channel Radio ? I had to put McDonald?s first to give this a context but if McDonald?s is the epitome of fast food then Channel is certainly the epitome of large-market radio. Known affectionately as McRadio, Channel accounts for 1200 radio stations in the US, most of them purchased after FCC deregulation in the 90?s. I personally don?t care so much about how many they own as much as I care about what they do with them. Radio doesn?t have to be crass to be edgy and real. The typical Channel radio morning show consists of a Howard Stern-imitator, either one person or a male-ensemble. They feature disgusting radio bits rather than just being willing to go with whatever happens and then they sit there and path themselves on the back for being so daring. ?It?s ?KCOR, anything can happen here!? No it can?t. Nothing happens on a large-market radio station without being cleared by the Program Director or someone on their staff. So, faced with the idea that nothing is improvised, they make up for it by doing some genuinely filthy stuff. I?m not going to mention it but you can get a good picture by tuning into KSJO and KWYLD in the Bay Area market. They have streaming audio for everyone living outside. Just don?t say I didn?t warn you, you might end up coming away from it with your ears bleeding. Give me back that one guy who was kind of a Venus Flytrap-type who knew nothing besides the music. The kind of guy who was also a brick-totin?, Camaro-drivin? lover of the AOR-format and provided the soundtrack that I grew up to. It?s over now, kids and it ain?t coming back this way unless I can figure a way to hook up an FM-broadcast antenna to my house.

Alright, there you have it. Four nominees for the new definition of evil in our society. Anyone or thing that forces you to correct your world view to fit their reality should be called "evil". Especially someone or something that creates a world view purely for the purpose of selling a product. When it attempts to create a lifestyle based on the owning or use of a product, that to me is "evil". Fight the power, brother, I?m off for my run.

-Tim Woolery, 9/11/03