TimWoolery.net Documenting the Journey and the Learning Curve

#46 – Strata

Strata

It's been about 7 years since I finally made the plunge and started working with the Internet in all of its glory. When I started out, I was amazed how far we'd come from the halcyon days of 2400/N81 BBS-style ANSI graphics and command-line interfaces. What was your first connection to the big bad world? Was it AOL, Prodigy or Compuserve?

My first connection was off of my 286AT with 640KB of RAM on a 31Mb Hard drive. I used the shareware version of Procomm that made that crazy *Zap!* sound when you clicked through any menu. John had given me a list of BBS' I could call within the 510 area code (after carefully verifying that they were within the local plan of the Fremont/Newark3 telco area). I quickly learned the difference between an E71 and an N81 connection when I saw the difference in graphics coming across my screen.

So far, a lot has gelled or changed regarding the Internet. From the nerds who basked in the green/blue glow of their CRT?s to the slack-jawed yokels who are picking up the AOL CD?s at Wal-Mart and opening up a can of worms, it just isn?t what it used to be. So in the interest of being the first to describe who and/or what we?re turning into, let?s examine the strata of the Internet?s emerging culture. Basically, it can be broken down as follows. We?re going to deal with the bottom first since it encompasses so much of what?s out there:

The bottom feeders

This covers the people who forward inane jokes to each other, something I covered in one of my very first columns and it?s something I refer back to once in a while. These are the people who need to forward every half-wit joke they see to each other. Sometimes it?s not so much of a joke as it is some silly inspirational story that?s so sappy it?d be rejected by Reader?s Digest and the back sections of Woman?s Day, Redbook and Modern Parenting. Then again, it?s not so much an inspirational story as it is an obvious moral wrapped in a saccharine story that is about as subtle as a charging rhino. They also have their dopey cartoons (usually vulgar or off-color) that reflect the kind of humor that kept the ABC TGIF line-up on the air for so long. I used to wonder at what kind of person would find Urkel, the Olsen Twins and Cody from ?Step by Step? so endlessly hilarious. Now that those shows are off the air, the same Wal-Mart/Yokel mentality has manifested itself in other ways. Not that I?m bagging on everyone who goes to Wal-Mart but there?s a certain breed of people who just can?t get enough of the Bottom Layer?s brand of humor and not a small percentage of them can be found at a Wal-Mart near you. There?s a connection there, it?s just too subtle to see. The bottom feeders generally do not graduate from this level of humor.

The 1337-speakers

I?m convinced that the national character has been waiting for something like Leet-speakers for a very long time. Ever since CB went out of style, it became pass? to know your 10-codes or to express alphanumeric strings in the classic Alpha Bravo Charlie style. So, there wasn?t a real way to cleverly exclude people just by way of your techno-speak, until pagers came around in the late 80?s. Along with pagers came the pager language, which I never got around to learning because it required the same level of concentration and dedication that it took for my brother to learn Germanic Rune to translate sections of the LOTR trilogy. Pager-speak translated over to AIM and other instant messaging programs, so you?ll run across the following messages in some conversations to confuse people who are looking over other people?s shoulders:

Idiot1337speaker1: OMG! IM so 1337-HaXX0Rs U All R L0$3r5!

Idiot1337speaker2: ``"''~\||\-__85?!!j00_41233zz*n0+_1337,`j00z ? 5uxxx0rz!!?__-/||/~''"``

If you need that translated, don?t bother to ask me. Frankly, I think it?s just easier to type in the King?s English and minimize your chat window if someone is peeking who should not. In any case, it?s here and not likely to go anywhere anytime soon. 1337-speakers are generally teenage kids who have just discovered the magic of AIM and are so impressed with their newfound technical knowledge that they feel obliged to obscure their language to make themselves seem even more intelligent. All is not lost for the 1337-speaker, they can graduate to the next level.

Net-Hipsters

Net Hipster is a more graduated area, you?ll find many of the older users of the Internet in this category. NH?s have sampled much of the Internet?s broad range of interests and are now so jaded by it that it takes a special kind of page and/or humor to interest them. So, you won?t find them perusing a page like this except to enjoy the goofiness of it all. . NH?s love pages like this or this because it takes a certain brand of humor to get the jokes you?ll find inside. Mahir, Mr. ?I kiss you!??s page became famous because of net hipsters A net hipster?s humor is more ironic and subtle. You will rarely get a joke forwarded to you from a net hipster and there?s a good chance you?ve never seen it if they do.

Pro Users

Pro Users of the Internet are pretty much the top drawer of what the Internet is and whom it was designed for. Pro Users use the Internet for fun, for shopping, for doing their job (and I don?t just mean opening a ticket with Dell on the web) and are constantly looking for something new and weird that they didn?t know the previous day. You will not be forwarded a joke from a Pro User. You will be publicly mocked for sending a joke to a Pro User. Pro Users:

(a)code in HTML

(b)maintain their own website

(c) are more likely to find something they?ve never even heard of faster than anyone else.

(d) don?t care so much about what?s hot on the Internet as they do about what is new.

Pro Users never send jokes. They send links to pages to other Pro Users with the calm assurance that they will get the joke just as readily. It is a faux-paus to admit you don?t get the joke so don?t ask someone to explain it. You will be mocked far more than you will be helped. Becoming a Pro User is filled with Negative Reinforcement Training so a thick skin is advised.

I plan to update this as I get a better bead on things. There are four basic levels of attainment in this new culture and they?re not governed by color or social standing. They?re governed by knowledge and intelligence. As Neil Stephenson said, subtlety denotes wisdom. I hope this list has assisted you as much as it was therapy for me.

-Tim Woolery, 5/29/03