TimWoolery.net Documenting the Journey and the Learning Curve

What I Should Have Said – Screenplay

What I Should Have Said

John: The world-weary, sarcastic protagonist.  He likes to think of witty comebacks that
leave his victims floored.  Problem is, he usually thinks of them well after the situation
has ended…he doesn’t think quickly on his feet.

Jaysun: An acquaintance of John – they’ve known each other for years.  Not really friends,
just live in the same neighborhood and went to the same high school.

Open: John is grabbing a cup of coffee at the local bean house.  He drinks coffee, not
lattes, cappacinos or chai tea.  He's walking to the coffee shop.  
Steadicam with John in left 1/3rd of shot.

Cut to: John walking through the door - camera allows John to overtake and stops
on Jaysun who is drinking some foamy concoction and reading the paper...the comics.

Cut To: John walking into the coffee shop - camera is in front of him - moves behind
counter and reveals the back of our barista.

BARISTA

Morning, John...

JOHN

(grunt - It's what passes for a greeting for John in the AM)

BARISTA

The usual?

JOHN

(wearily - he's barely awake)

Yeah...

Barista hands John his coffee

BARISTA

He did it...

JOHN

What?

Barista nods over John's shoulder

BARISTA

He had his name legally changed to Jaysun

JOHN

(beat)

His name is Jason.

BARISTA

J-A-Y-S-U-N?

JOHN

(Gives a painful wince)

Aww...

He stirs in his cream and sugar when Jaysun approaches, guffawing silently at something
he’s seen in this mornings comic strip.

JAYSUN

Check this out – Garfield is really funny this morning.

JOHN

(Takes paper and glances at it too quickly to actually read it and then hands it back)

It stinks.

JAYSUN

You didn’t even read it!

JOHN

I don’t have to (beat – stirring his coffee) Garfield hasn’t been funny since I was 8.

JAYSUN

Aw, come on – Garfield is *funny*!

JOHN

No it isn’t. (ticking off fingers) Monty Python is funny.  Calvin and Hobbes is funny. 
Jon Stewart is funny.  Garfield is an example of what I call “C+ Humor”.  You’d need a
Xanax and a mimosa to dial down your brain before you can start finding it funny.

JAYSUN

(beat – a little slow to process the info)

What’s “C+ Humor”?

JOHN

Stuff like the Blue Collar Comedy Tour or Everybody Loves Raymond.

Say this simultaneously

JAYSUN

JOHN

(turning back to his coffee...
almost under his breath)

I love the Blue Collar Comedy Tour…ha ha!

You would…

JAYSUN

Hey, I love that guy…Git R Done!

JOHN

(massaging the bridge of his nose)

All right…all right…

JAYSUN

Git-R-Done! (laughs)

JOHN

(something finally snaps)

Do you have any idea how much contempt I have for you at this moment?

JAYSUN

(still laughing)

What?

JOHN

(biting his words off)

Quit laughing you moron!

-= Conversation in the coffee shop falters as he raises his voice =-

JAYSUN

(stops laughing…now confused)

What?

JOHN

(beat)

Do you have any clue, any idea, just how brainless that stuff is?

JAYSUN

Yeah…so?

JOHN

So is that your mission in life?  To be entertained by things that could be dreamed up
by 3 year olds?

JAYSUN

(trying to kid him out of it)

Ah – you’re just saying that – you love that stuff.

JOHN

No, no I don’t.  As a matter of fact, I hate that stuff and by extension all
the people who claim to love it.

JAYSUN

(beat – figures it out)

You mean?

JOHN

That’s right – buddy boy.  Now you're on my personal list of people I would rather
kill myself than be stuck on a desert island with.

JAYSUN

Wow – who else is on it?

JOHN

Herve Villachez – don’t ask.

JAYSUN

Who?

JOHN

(yelling)

I said, don’t ask!

(beat)

Do you know what it’s like to live your life around people who still laugh at things
you stopped laughing at 15 years ago?

JAYSUN

(starting to get annoyed)

You’re just stuck up – you like things that nobody else thinks is funny.

JOHN

(beat)

(start this low)I’m going to ignore the grammatical disaster that just exited your
mouth and remind you that I *used* to find those things funny, but I stopped finding
them funny a long time ago.  Do you still laugh at the stuff you laughed at in 8th grade?

JAYSUN

(thinks)

I guess…

JOHN

See – that’s the difference between me and you – I grew out of that stuff a long time ago. 
You’re still going around spelling your name Jaysun because you think it makes you more distinctive.

JAYSUN

It is!

JOHN

No – no it’s not.  Your name would be distinctive if it was Horace or Gerald or Fruit Stand
Moon Beam the Third.  But as it stands, your name is Jason – not J-A-Y-S-U-N – just Jason. 
That makes your name about as interesting as any other name that was given to every fifth white
kid back in the 1980s.

JAYSUN

(accusatory)

So you don’t like my name.

JOHN

I have no personal opinion about your name – I happen to resent the fact that you changed the
spelling and somehow think it makes you sound cool.

JAYSUN

What’s this got to do with Garfield?

JOHN

Garfield’s just a symptom of your larger problem, man.  You’re mediocre.  The
problem is, you don’t know it and you think the things you wear, the music you
listen to and the car you drive are somehow worthy of our attention.

JAYSUN

(points out the window - outraged)

Those are 22’s!

JOHN

They're car rims, man.  Is that the biggest aspiration you have - to own some
overpriced car rims?

JAYSUN

Dude, those things are tight!

JOHN

As opposed to your pants...

(a beat while we notice Jaysun's baggy clothes)

Jaysun

What's wrong with my pants?

JOHN

Nothing if you're planning to weigh 300 pounds.  Did you find these at the
Michael Moore yard sale?

JAYSUN

Who...

JOHN

Oh, I'm sorry - I mistook you for someone who knew stuff.  I apologize.

Jaysun, fuming, leaves the coffee shop.  John turns back to his coffee

- Cut to

Fade in, camera pull back on John as he looks at the paper...the entire conversation
was in John's head.  He looks at the comic - you can see he feels the same way but he
won't be saying it to Jaysun.

JOHN

Oh...that's funny.

THE END